Living overseas often comes with many challenges such as understanding a new culture, difficult team dynamics, learning the language, and so much more. Yet one challenge many people do not anticipate until it happens: the death of a family member or close friend back home (passport country).
Whether their death is sudden or follows a long period of grief and suffering, when the time comes, you are confronted with many stressful, and time-sensitive decisions: Should I return home? Can I afford an unplanned flight with the financial support I have right now?
Soon after, you begin to grapple with the painful reality that you may not be physically present to say goodbye, attend the funeral, or both. This is often followed by the unique and deeply isolating experience of mourning from a distance, a form of grief that can feel especially difficult to navigate.
Emotionally, the loss feels even heavier because you are not surrounded by others who are also grieving the same person. You miss the shared tears, the quiet understanding, and the comfort that comes from being together in love. Although today’s world allows us to view ceremonies, funeral and life celebrations via Zoom… it is still not the same.
Distance (in reference to miles apart) does not make grief any lighter.
Life continues, yet you still feel as though you are carrying around weight of your grief. For most people, grief feels like a rollercoaster. It appears in unexpected ways and at unexpected times with all kinds of twists and turns. Everyone’s experience is different, whether you are there willingly with your arms up accepting of each twist and turn or you deal with it by stiff arming your way through the whole ride with resistance.
Note: The rollercoaster analogy has its faults and does not fully describe everyone’s experience with grief and death because there is no stepping off the roller-coaster and moving on with life in the same way as before. You are shaped and affected by your experiences.
When you live overseas, grief tends to last a little longer due to the additional stress that comes with living cross-culturally.
Even with the passing of time, as you begin to prepare to return home for home assignment, you are met with your grief… yet again. You encounter people who are carrying the same grief, yet they are in a very different place than you are. Their grief has been shaped by their community, and shared moments of mourning, while yours was shaped by distance and loneliness. Even though you did have community while overseas teammates, friends and community… it is just different.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
As someone who has been through this experience (many times), my advice… have compassion on yourself the same way God extend his abundant compassion on us. Give your grief what is needs- permission to slow down, moments to cry whenever and wherever it is presents itself. Take care of yourself- physically, mentally and spiritually. Give your body and soul what it needs by slowing down and listening. Remember the good memories with your loved one and remember God’s faithfulness. Just because your journey looks different doesn’t mean that you are alone. He is with us through every season of life and our hope remains in heaven.
If you are carrying the weight of grief while living overseas, consider giving yourself the gift of space to process it. A debrief can provide a safe place to reflect on your loss, acknowledge its impact, and take meaningful steps toward healing.
